Who Makes Decisions in Your Marriage?
There’s the old story about the husband who was asked, “Who makes the decisions in your marriage?” His answer was, “We both do. She makes all the little decisions, like where we live, who repairs things, what we spend our money on, etc., and I make the big decisions like should we go to war with China, or should we keep interest rates low.”
A recent study shows that around the house, women are in charge and that’s okay with the men. The Pew Research Center recently surveyed over 1200 couples, both those married and those living together. They looked at four areas: Who plans the weekend, who makes the decisions regarding finances, who decides what major appliances to buy, and here’s the telling one–who decides what to watch on TV. They found that almost half of the men deferred to their wives on these decisions. That’s a high percentage of men who act like bystanders.
These findings run counter to our beliefs, although anyone who talks with a lot of couples in counseling knows that these findings are true. We may believe that the husband is in charge, but the reality suggests that men defer most decisions to their wives. It’s like when a man is not on his job, he’d rather let someone else take charge.
The breakdown by age is interesting. As couples age together, more and more decisions are made jointly. And even though more men are getting involved in doing more things around the house, most of them are still happy with the wife making the decisions. I wonder if the “let her decide” has anything to do with the divorce statistics, or if it is related to the lack of knowledge most men have as to what “leadership in the home” is all about?
In recent years, I’ve tried to restate the words used in the Bible to define the role of husbands and wives. We’ve attached a lot of extra meaning to the words “headship” and “submission.” For example, a wife once said to me, “He may be the ‘head,’ but I’m the neck that turns the head.” Pretty close to what the Pew study found.
Here’s the way I say it. Instead of the husband being the “head,” I restate that concept and say that he is to be the “initiator.” He is to set the course for the marriage. Instead of using the word “submission” for the wife, I say that she by nature is a “responder”–especially if the husband is setting a healthy course to follow. More on this next posting.
Question: Who makes the major (real ones) decisions in your marriage?
It seems men are being fed the value of living in a fantasy world. That if the wife wants to solve the problems let her — until she needs something from him. They tend to participate better when the kids are little…but go off track after that. It seems the concept of servant leadership is VERY foreign…not only to the secular world but to the Christian one. I talked to three friends recently who come from very different Christian backgrounds: Catholic, liberal Protestant (a hairs breath from New Age), and conservative Protestant. When I explained the concept of servant leadership they almost fell out of their chairs…”That’s in the Bible? Where? My husband certainly has no clue.” Men in the church really need to teach this — it’s the last thing wayward men are going to listen to their wives about.
Dr. Stoop,
Thanks for putting a more “modern” spin on the biblical perspective of man being head of household. I do think that more men today need to understand and take hold of their role as spiritual leader and “initiator” as you say. From my experience, most women – even in today’s culture – are looking for a “man” to lovingly lead the family. It’s attractive to most women.