What’s Your Attachment Style?
Our attachment style, which determines basically how we connect with significant others in our lives, is set in motion during the first year of our life. Think of it this way. When we are born, we had just left the safety and comfort of the womb, where all our needs were typically met without our doing anything. Then the journey through the birth canal led us to a new world that felt markedly unsafe. The symbiotic connection with mother no longer existed since the umbilical cord was broken. And we didn’t have any way to effectively communicate our needs. Sometimes when we were hungry, we got a diaper change–it took a while for Mom to figure out what our cry meant.
So the journey to feeling safe in this strange new world set in motion a pattern of relationship that will in all likelihood last throughout our lifetime. When our mom was “good enough” at meeting our needs, we began to feel secure. And if our dad was there along with mom, it reinforced the feelings of being safe and secure. Our attachment style is built on a secure connection. About half of us experienced that feeling of security. But for the rest of us, we attempted to make our world safe in one of three ways.
Some mom’s may have been too busy with their own lives, and so they weren’t very concerned about interpreting our needs. We learned very quickly that we were going to have to take care of ourselves. Now, of course, we don’t realize that at age one, but the pattern is set in motion and by age two or three, we knew we basically were on our own. The result was that as an adult, we developed an “avoidant attachment” style. We are comfortable on our own, and like it when the other people in our life are the same way–distant.
Other mom’s were too needy themselves. They had their own issues to deal with, and in some ways, our mom used us to meet her own needs. She leaned on us even as a child. As we grew, we felt more and more responsible for Mom’s well-being. And we experienced a lot of anxiety in our relationship with her. We had an “anxious attachment” style. That anxiety continued to cloud our significant adult relationships. And as adults we typically repeated what we learned from Mom, and deal with our anxiety by expressing our neediness too much, or by “clinging” to those we depend on.
Then, some of us had mom’s who were simply abusive and it became a very fearful thing for us to be in relationship with her. We were always waiting for the “other shoe to drop” when we would be in trouble and be punished. We developed a “fearful attachment” style. For those with a fearful attachment style, expressing neediness was dangerous and as adults, find it was fearful to get too close to others as they might punish or hurt us when we express a need.
So we have different attachment styles which, if ours was not a secure attachment, we carry into our adult lives different ways of expressing, or not expressing our needs. More later.
Question: What do you think your attachment style is?
Thank you for sharing of my original face book wall I now have access to it again. As for what attachment style I have will have to seek God on that. I am very secure with God and extremely independent but I know I am not alone and have a help I can run to and His Spirit which inspires people to write and music that He uses to lift sorrow and pain from within and often help me identify With my feelings and thoughts. A line from Collin Raye song logic can’t convince a broken heart but I have learned music combined with His Spirit can touch the wounded hearts releasing tears etc. That were locked inside.
In Christ
Linda Mullin
I am the pleaser style…..
Now I would say avoidance attachment in one regard but in God being my center can allows me to be independent of others where in absence of people I feel secure in myself. Now relationships with others Intimacy was absent in regards to how I felt and for the most part most relationships lacked in sharing feelings, thoughts, emotions etc. I learned most people aren’t comfortable sharing their struggles or admitting their struggles and myself admitting I needed some help wasn’t a problem. I would say learning to trust myself was the most important thing to God. In recognizing all wounding is done in relationship and because we all are imperfect God in perfection offers Himself in relationship with the ability to heal past and present. Just like there is a natural womb there is a spiritual womb as well and God is not presented as He is there becomes natural wounding as well as spiritual wounding. Our concept of ourselves,God and others are a sum total of those things we experienced in growing and often accepted. I had stated ones when I found out I had rights the anger I experienced scared me and I wanted to be able to exercise my rights without stepping on others. With God my feelings are validated as neither being right or wrong but often the proper response to what has been done that often others unaware the opportunity to rectify a situation isn’t possible unless two people are at the same point of understanding so to speak. Where communication is absent with a person it isn’t absent with God where the opportunity of relationship is in His Perfection. Sent from my iPod
Interesting read. This article on psychalive also gets into early attachment patterns and adult attachment styles. http://www.psychalive.org/2010/07/what-is-your-attachment-style/
I’m a recovering pleaser.