Three Important Fights to Have With Your Spouse
There are at least two ways conflict can negatively affect your marriage. Obviously, one way is when your fighting becomes volatile. You know when it reaches this level–you start name-calling, you may even get physical. You have reached a level of contemptuousness with each other and that is a real danger sign. Get help.
The other way conflict affects a marriage is when it is absent–there is no conflict. Now if you’ve been married a long time, and there was on-and-off conflict in the earlier stages, that’s not what I’m talking about. You’ve, in all likelihood worked through your issues. I’m thinking of a couple I saw who were ending a 20-year marriage and reported that they had never had an argument. I said to them, “One or both of you obviously weren’t very invested in the marriage.
I’m sure there are some other variants of these two styles, but my point is that there are some things that are worth fighting about in a marriage. Here’s three of them:
1. “You are too obsessed with your smart-phone/IPad/computer.” If this is an on-going issue, it needs to be faced. If you’re the one obsessed, you are obviously sending the message that everything else is more important than your spouse. And if you are married to the one obsessed, you are entitled to feel like you don’t really matter to your spouse.
Don’t just roll your eyes, or say something about how disgusted you are–that won’t change anything. Instead, express what you feel when he or she starts texting in the middle of a conversation. Say something like, “I feel totally discounted when you text/make a phone call/check your email/even just answer your phone when we are together. We need some ground rules.” Then come up with a plan that has some pleasant consequences for the offended spouse.
2. “You need to see a doctor!” This is one fight the wife will probably need to start, and she may need help from the rest of the family. We men like to think we are invincible. Sure, we have aches and pains, headaches and strange ailments, but we can handle it. “No doctor needed,” we say. If you’re concerned, and your husband isn’t, enlist family to back you.
3. “Don’t undermine my authority in front of the kids.” You’re heading for trouble, not only in your marriage, but also with your kids, if one of you undermines the other in front of the kids. You’ve just given your kids the basis of a strategy to play you and your spouse against each other. And the result will be that they can get away with things that may grow more serious over time. If you don’t agree with how your spouse is handling something, talk about it in private.
We’ve got three more fights every couple might need to have in our next posting.
Question: Which of these fights have you been avoiding?