Three Additional Fights You Need to Have With Your Spouse —
Here are three more issues in a marriage that are worth fighting about. If they are present in your relationship, you need to be able to talk together about them, and work on a resolution. Here they are:
1. “You can’t let your family/friends treat me like that!” This becomes a conflict related to the issue of loyalty. Your spouse is not responsible for what the family member or friend said or did, but their failure to protect or defend you is their responsibility. Once he or she gets it that it is a question of loyalty, you can have a healthy conversation about what to do about it the next time it is a problem.
2. “You work all the time.” Of course, once we’ve said “all the time,” the conflict becomes one of defining what “all the time” means. Of course, he or she (I’ve met wives who’ve been accused of this) doesn’t work all the time, but that’s how it seems. So don’t argue about what “all the time” means–If you stay with this complaint, your spouse will hear that you don’t respect how hard he or she is working. Begin the discussion by describing what you feel about your relationship based on his or her work schedule. Saying something like “I miss us when you work this much” will hopefully lead the discussion to creative ways you can stay connected.
3. “You only show affection when you want to have sex.” Typically this is a wife’s complaint–I haven’t heard a husband say it yet! This can be a complicated problem to resolve. Once a wife feels that any show of affection is an automatic prelude to sex, as soon as he approaches, she tenses up, and then he gives up and withdraws.
Affection is an important ingredient in intimacy in a marriage. Holding hands, hugging–all give a sense of connection, especially to the wife. So, once again, you have to talk about it and come up with some creative solutions.
None of these have to become a major conflict, unless one or both of you choose to avoid the issue. That’s a guaranteed way to make things worse. The answer is for one of you to determine that you are going to talk about the issue, and then you find a way to broach the subject in a non-accusative way. How do you do that? Stay with sharing what you experience, what you feel, when one of these things take place.
Question: Again, any of these hit home in your marriage?
Number one and two were big problems for me in my marriage which ended a year ago. I wanted him to stand up for me or at least be on my side the majority of time. I would not have minded much if he confronted me in private but when he openly opposed me with others it hurt really bad. His parents were too close to him and when he was with them he sort of forgot that I wished to be the priority much of the time.
He worked constantly – not necessarily being productive and not necessarily for
financial reward. This was another big divider for us. If I had been able to speak the truth in love, I am sure I would have had better results.