Why is there so much concern about what’s happening to marriages today? It seems our culture is obsessed with redefining not only family, but in particular marriage. I think marriage is under attack because it is designed by God to be the primary relationship in the family, which in turn, is the foundation of a culture. Change what is the primary relationship and you will change the culture.
I’ve taught a number of times in Youth with a Mission schools on how family works. And I’ve taught on the subject in various parts of the world. I’ve found that in most non-western cultures, the primacy of the marriage relationhip has disappeared. For example, in many Asian cultures, the primary relationship in a family is between the mother and the oldest son. The husband is secondary, if that. In many Asian families, he is not a major factor apart from boeing the provider. In Middle Eastern cultures, the primary relationship is between the father and the oldest son–marriage is not an important relationship.
I had a student in one of the classes who was from Nigeria. He said that in his culture, the primary relationship in the family was brother-to-brother. The parent’s relationship was a secondary issue. One could say that in each of these cultures, the primacy of the marriage relationship in the family has disappeared, and as a result the culture changed. It’s my conviction that the model God had in mind for family was to hold marriage as the primary focus.
Western culture still honors the marriage relationship, which is a reflection of the Bible’s honoring marriage. But I think that’s why it is under attack. And that attack often comes in subtle ways. I talked with a mom recently who was concerned about what she called the waywardness of her three nearly adult children. As she described their rebellious attitudes, they didn’t seem to me that bad. But she was worried, concerned, and any other word that might reflect what any parent would experience as he or she watched their kids struggle with becoming adults.
But then I asked about how the father related to their kids, and she paused. Then she said something like, “Well, we have a lot of problems in the marriage, and he has had issues with each of the kids. When I asked her why she wasn’t as concerned about their marriage as she was about their kids, it seemed as if she had really given up on the marriage. For her, the marriage had become a secondary relationship, and all of her concerns about the marriage had been transferred to concerns about her kids. When we get the priority of our family relationships out of order, we have a tough time getting them back in order. I suggested she begin by focusing on the marriage–if she can get that working better, she’ll have less problems with her kids.
I’ve found over the years that when parents bring in their kids for counseling, it isn’t very long before the kids are excused, and the focus shifts to the marital problems. It doesn’t mean that every problem with kids is really a problem in the marriage, but nine times out of ten it does. The best gift you can give your kids is a solid marriage relationship.
Question: Have you seen situations where the kids are seen as the problem, but it is really a reflection of a marital problem?