Sadly, we’re watching the entitled generation finally running into the “NO’s” in life. Some critics say that they have been told, all through their growing up years, how wonderful they are and that they could do anything. In many cases, the “YES’s” they experienced as they grew up were based in large part on the feelings of guilt parents struggled with, as they found themselves overly involved in their own careers and lives.
But continual praise to a child eventually rings hollow in their ears. They just turn it off for they are realizing there are some limits in life. And so they end up with an over-inflated sense of self-esteem–feeling entitled– or they stop believing the praise and settle for mediocrity. In reaction, some parents now are struggling with how to praise anything their kid does. They live in fear of ending up with entitled kids.
Another facet in the self-esteem issue is the question of delayed gratification. For a kid to become a healthy adult, he or she must be frustrated to a degree by delayed gratification. “No, I won’t buy you that mini iPad–you can earn your own money for it.” That’s a good lesson for a kid to learn. “You mean I can’t get my new mini-iPad right now?” “That’s right. You’ll have to wait.”
What is a healthy sense of self-esteem? The Apostle Paul urges us: “Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves” (Romans 12:3). That works both ways. He could have also said, “Don’t belittle yourselves either.” So I would say a healthy self-esteem is an appraisal of myself that is both honest, and based on reality.
So the big question is “How does a parent help the process of the development of a healthy self-esteem in their kids? Over the years, one answer has stood out above the others–be careful how you praise your children! Here’s an example of how not to do it: Your kid comes home with all A’s, so you say, “Wow, what a smart kid you are! You must be off the charts!” Instead, you say something like, “Wow, that must feel good to get those good grades. I know you worked hard for it. Gotta feel great!”
What’s the difference? One focuses on the results–the good grades. If you say something like that, your kid is thinking, “Oh, Oh, I better keep this up. But I’m going to have some hard classes next year, then what will my dad say?”
When you focus on the process–the hard work you saw your child do, you are rewarding their effort, and that encourages them to keep making the effort regardless of the outcome.
Question: How were you raised? With a focus on outcome or on effort?