Men Helping Men

Husbands often resist going to marriage counseling, although I have always said that if the wife really wants him there, she can get him there.  When I tell a wife this, she usually does get him there.  But then the hard work begins for the husband.  Emotional intimacy requires certain skills, like being able to express emotions, to self-disclose, to being vulnerable, giving and getting support, and a big one–to let go of control.  While these may be important skills for developing intimacy, they aren’t really a part of a man’s definition of what successful masculinity is all about.

If you listen to the New Life Live radio program (www.newlife.com), you have probably heard what might sound like a broken record–men learn how to be men from other men.  We say this because we typically ask a male-caller if he has other men friends.  The answer is very often “no.”

When our fathers went off to work in the factory at the beginning of the industrial revolution, many sons and daughters lost their emotional connection with dad.  The impact of that loss was stronger on sons because they lost their mentor–the one who was to teach them how to become men.

So moms tried to fill the gap.  If you think about it, you can see its absurdity.  How can a woman teach a man how to be a man.  Oh, she can do a little, but it takes men to teach a man how to be a man.

For years, I have belonged to a men’s private gym–no women allowed.  I’ve often thought about that list of intimacy skills listed above, and never have I heard any of the men using any of those skills.  Even when one older man literally died in the steam room, conversations quickly got back to sports, deals, or women.  Why?  Probably because no one there really had other men teach them that emotional part of being a man.

So what do we do as men to resolve this?  What does our wife need us to do?  Accountability groups are a start, but they often fall short.  Bible study groups are important, but they also fall short of helping men with their relationships.  Why not, as a man, find a Bible study group, or an accountability group that also focuses on men getting to know the other men in the group at a deeper level than just sports, deals, and wives.  Come on guys, time to let your guard down and learn how to take better care of ourselves and connect with each other.

Question:  If you’re a man, how many friends really know you?  If you a woman, what about the man in your life–does he have any close friends?