Looking Forward to the Empty Nest? Be Careful!

Looking Forward to the Empty Nest?  Be Careful!

I’ve worked with a number of couples who were looking forward to being “empty nesters,” only to be disappointed.  Some even had the horrible experience of finding that when the last kid left home, they didn’t really know each other.  They were like strangers to each other.

Apparently the divorce statistics back up the dangers of this time of life.  In 1990, 1 in 10 divorces involved couples whose age was 50 or more.  In 2009, the number had changed to where 1 in 4 divorces were with couples over the age of 50.  Some have dubbed this “the graying of divorce.”   The other amazing thing about the statistic is that most of these “gray divorces” are initiated by the wife.

What’s the problem?  Several issues maya fester over time without being noticed until the emerge when the children are gone from the home.  Many couples, during the child-rearing stage of life, define themselves as “mother and father,” not as “lovers.”  The “lover” definition dates back to the time before children.  Over time, as so much energy is given to parenting, the couple loses the feeling of being lovers, and even the issue of sex is all but forgotten.

Or the other issue that gradually develops is that he husband gradually retreats into his interests:  He plays more golf, gets interested in fancy cars, or just escapes to his work.  At the same time, the wife is involved with the kids, and may also be involved with aging parents.  As the kids grow up and leave the home, and unless grandkids come along quickly and live locally, a wife may struggle with a void in her life?

The solution takes preparation.  Couples may spend a lot of time talking about the finances related to retirement, but probably not a word is said about their marriage related to the empty nest.  The empty nest stage of marriage takes long-range planning.  And the earlier you can talk about it the better for the marriage.  Here’s three things you can do now to prepare:

1.  Make sure you are keeping up to date on your marriage.  For example, can you describe what is really important in your spouse’s life right now.  What are the things that cause your spouse the most tension?  Can you talk to each other about it?

2.  What do you want your marriage to look like when the children are gone?  This doesn’t focus only on what you want to do when they are gone–everyone says “travel,” that’s not the point.  How will you want to describe your marriage relationship when it’s just the two of you?  Why not create a “mission statement” for your marriage?

3.  Make the marriage a priority now, even when the kids still live at home.  Do something together every week, beginning today.  Talk about some of the things you described as wanting in your marriage when the kids are gone and start doing some of them now.

The fun we all dream about when the empty nest happens takes planning–it won’t just happen all of a sudden.  Plan for it now!

Question:  What are some of the dreams you have had about the empty next stage of marriage?