It’s the Small Things that Make the Marriage

I remember a definition of love that I encountered years ago,  It went something like this:  “Love exists when the needs, concerns, and desires of your spouse are as important to you as your own needs, concerns, and desires.”   Now, researchers are saying much the same thing–small selfless acts between spouses are not only enjoyable, they are necessary.  Marriages start getting into trouble when the small acts of compassion and kindness disappear.

One of the interesting things that comes out of this research is that men are more likely to do these small acts than women.  This may be true because men tend to want to do things rather than just say things.  Men seem to be more uncomfortable saying loving things.

One couple reported that they love to compete with each other in seeing who can “spoil” the other more.  For this couple the fun part was that the loving act was never mentioned verbally by either person–neither before the act or after the act was performed.  That way it was always a delightful surprise that needed to be matched by the receiving person.

When couples understand each others’ “love language” it is even more powerful.  Gary Chapman, in his best-selling book The Five Love Languages, says that we often do for our spouse what is meaningful to us.  It’s usually an expression of our own love language and it has little meaning to the other person, unless it is also their love language.  The five love languages he identifies are;  touch, gifts, acts of service, spending quality time together, and words of affirmation.

Over the years, I have asked couples, both in counseling and in workshops, to each write down 10 things their spouse could do for them to show that they care.  Each of the 10 things must meet the following criteria:  1.) It must be positive.  It can’t be something like “I will stop doing.”  It must be pro-active–something I can do.  2.) It must be concrete.  It can’t be an abstraction such as “be more understanding.”  It has to be something that, if I were standing there watching, I could see that you just did it.  3.) It has to be a small enough act so that it could be repeated the next day.   So you can’t put on your list, “Take me to Hawaii.”  That’s positive and concrete, but no one wants to go today, come home tonight, just so we can go again tomorrow.  It’s too big an act.

It’s important each person write down what they want their spouse to do for them; not what they can do for their spouse.  That means it will connect with them.  Here’s what happens when we do for our spouse something that we wish our spouse would do for us..  One woman sent her husband flowers at his office.  He was, of course, embarrassed.  He asked my, “Why did she do that?”  I told him it was obvious–she wanted him to send her flowers.  She did for him what she wanted him to do for her.  That doesn’t work.  Doing something from your spouse’s list will work.  And once you have their list, do one thing a day from your spouses list for 30 days.  You can repeat what you did, or chose something different from their list tomorrow–it’s your choice.

it’s amazing what happens in the relationship when a couple does this consistently for 30 days.

Question:  What do you think is your love language?