In our last posting, we said that Individuation means basically that we have successfully become our own self, rather than just an extension of someone else, such as a parent. It’s like when all the pieces of who I am come together into a whole me. The process begins with a “call”–something or someone calls us out of our comfort zone to risk moving to a new place. It could be a career, a spouse or friend who challenges you, or some other new challenge. Abraham’s call was to leave his home and family and go to a place that God would eventually show him.
The other Old Testament character that illustrates the psychological process of individuating is Jacob. Remember, he had left his home and family to escape the homicidal anger of his brother. That kind of “leaving” does little to help us grow and become who we really are as a person. Jacob carried with him the unfinished business he left at his home.
Jacob had been gone for twenty years, and it had not produced the development of character that would indicate individuation. Finally, he gets his “call,” and it says “Go home” and the reality of message included “face your woundedness!” It’s interesting that he immediately headed home, apparently with no thought of why he left–his brother’s intention to kill him.
But when Jacob hears that his brother, Esau, is coming to meet him, and that he had 400 men with him, what Jacob had apparently forgotten now hits him head-on. What’s he to do? For most of his life he had survived by manipulating the situation, but how does he manipulate this?
He does the best he could. He divides up all his cattle and servants into two parties. One wife and her kids go with one group; the other wife and her kids go with the other group. Maybe one will survive. Then he settles into his tent for the night.
First there was his “call”–Go home! Within that call was the the second part of his individuation process. He was called to face his own woundedness; to face the unfinished business he had left at home–to come to terms with his brother, Esau! It must have seemed to God that Jacob was not going to face anything, so a heavenly being confronted him in his tent and a fight begins. The third part of his process was to persevere, and he did. He fought all through the night, and when the angel knocked Jacob’s hip out of joint, he continued to persevere and held on. He didn’t give up!
This was his individuation process finally being completed. How do we know? It’s interesting that he is given a new name–Israel. This name represented who he was now as an adult. His new name meant a new man had been formed that night by the brook. And just as Abram became Abraham, Sarai became Sarah, in the same way Jacob became Israel.
Question: What challenges have you experienced in your process of individuating.?
Hello Dr. Dave. this was a good article…how much of “teenage rebellion” is, in part, a teenager going through the individuation process?
It is a part of it, so a parent needs to make sure the teen can rebel in “safe ways,” such as a messy room.
Dr Stoop, is individuation another word for boundaries? what are the similarities?
Good boundaries are a result of good individuation. If I haven’t really become my own person, boundaries are very difficult for me. Thanks for your question.