Sometimes we think something is wrong if our kids argue with each other, or if the parents fight with each other, or if a kid fights with a parent. But the truth is, spouses fight and siblings argue. In fact, some researchers suggest that if a couple doesn’t have sporadic arguments, someone isn’t fully invested in the marriage. The other thing that is important here is that when conflicts are managed within the family, you have a happier family.
Bruce Feiler is a favorite author of mine. He wrote Walking the Bible, a journal he wrote as he literally walked the routes traveled by Abraham and other Biblical characters. He has a new book called The Secrets of Happy Families. One of the things he covers is how families can fight better. Here’s some examples of what he found in his research.
1. Be careful in the transition times, when you are coming or going from home. He states something every mother knows–the worst time for family arguments is dinner time. That’s when Dad comes home, when the kids transition from homework to family, and that can spell extra trouble. Have you noticed how many disagreements between spouse, or family arguments occur when someone is coming or going, or in the tense hours around dinner? Careful!
2. Notice how you are sitting during an argument. Who’s sitting higher than someone else? In my counseling office,, I purposely sit lower than my clients. I have enough power as a counselor–I don’t want to add to the power structure by sitting higher than the people I’m meeting with. One researcher said that a power position raises the person’s testosterone, reduces their cortisol, and increases feelings of superiority. How and where you sit matters.
3. Never use the word “you!” Can you just imagine how this rule would affect the arguments between your kids? “Sorry guys, you can’t use the word “you!” Can you imagine how that will affect you and your spouse? It sure slows things down, and calms both sides as well.
4. Always say “I’m sorry,” even if you don’t feel sorry. Saying “I’m sorry” is a way to take responsibility for what just happened. That applies to the parents as well as to the kids. You always want to set an example of being willing to say “I’m sorry.”
Question: Which rule seems new to you, or more difficult for you?
that is so so good yes we have done that (not 100%) and it works when we do.