WELCOME TO MY NEW BLOG — JULY 16, 2012
For years as I have worked with individuals, couples and families in helping them resolve painful issues in their lives, I have wanted to find a way to expand the work that I do. I have written a number of books, and know that the written page is a good way to help those who are interested in knowing more about how to resolve relationship issues.
But today there are other avenues to get out a message. A blog seems to be a more fluid way to reach those of you who might be helped by reading via the internet the things I have discovered over some thirty years working with those who need help with their relationships. So I invite you to join me on a journey of learning, as I share with you what I have come to understand about the ways we can find a better way to live. Hopefully with the information contained here you will be challenged to move toward becoming healthier and stronger as an individual, as a couple and as a family.
As a starting point, I want to you think about what it means when we refer to the family as a “system.” What’s a family system, you ask? First let me give you a little history of this concept. Shortly after the end of World War II, there were some psychiatrists who moved against the concepts of that day regarding the ideas about how families work. At that time, and as still is the style for many therapists today, it was not only considered wrong to work with more than one person at a time, no matter what the individual’s family situation, but in fact it was unethical. The therapist was not to see or talk with anyone else related to that individual. The thought of counseling a family was not considered helpful at all.
But along came some grant money, and a few maverick psychiatrists stepped outside of the box and began to work with the family as a unit. These doctors first began to explore how to work with a family who had a child diagnosed with schizophrenia. One psychiatrist, Murray Bowen, went so far as to have the entire family of the schizophrenic child come and live together in the hospital. The dad would still go to work, but instead of going to his home after work, he was to return to his new home–the hospital. What Bowen and his associates were trying to understand was the family dynamics related to schizophrenia.
In the 1960’s, the results of their research were reported and the field of Family Therapy was formalized. Also out of that research came the idea that family operated not just as a group of individuals but as a system where each individual moved in tandem with the other individuals. Their studies were then replicated by other professionals who worked with alcoholic families. They found the same principles were at work, which confirmed that in many situations, the whole family needed treatment.
One way to understand a family system is this: If one person in the family changes, that change will affect the other people in the family. Since each member in the family is connected to every other family member–either in a good or bad way–change in one person forces everyone else to adjust to that change. A common response of a family to one individual member’s change is that the family as a whole will pressure the person making the change, pressuring them to stay the same or to go back to the way they were. More on this later.
Think of ways your family works as a system. What happened in your family when someone tried to change? Even if you feel your family members are emotionally detached from each other and that it seems that not one member is really connected to any other family member, remember that your family is still operating as a system. Keep that thought in mind. I’ll explain as we go along.
I am excited to read your blog Dave! I listen to you on New Life and have read several of your books. Your Godly wisdom and gentle spirit have been a huge blessing in my life & I look forward to learning more from you on this blog!
Hi Dr. Stoop, My wife, son and I have learned SO much from your books and comments on the radio. Keep up the good work! I look forward to your blog,
Karl
Thank you for creating a blog and sharing your wisdom and experiences with us. I have been listening to New Life Live and appreciate your input for the past 8 yrs. I retired as a nurse when I was only 52 and became a Lay Counselor, that’s when I started listening, on a daily basis, to New Life. I have been married for 35 years to a wonderful godly man. We have always had a good working relationship and have the same passions in serving in leadership at our local Calvary Chapel. As my husband gets close to retirement (he’s 64 now) we know that will go through another adjustment time. What I have observed about our relationship lately is our differences (he’s a introvert, me a extrovert) has become more pronounced. Do you have any advise or info to address this problem?
I’m really looking forward to reading your blog. I always enjoy hearing you and the other hosts on New Life Live and know it will be more of the same Godly wisdom shared on the show, though it will be fun to “get to know you” better.
I’m looking forward to read the continuation of this subject. Dr. Stoop, Might I suggest you add a Facebook “like” button, so we may share with others?
Coming soon. Thanks
This us a very much appreciated blog. I love hearing from professionals. We all need help and I thank God for giving folks like you. Awesome!
Yeah!! Now I get to glean from you even after graduating from counseling.
Love your blog – would love to be able to sign up and receive your posts by e-mail, so I don’t miss any.
Just heard you mention your new blog on the radio show – I am greatly looking forward to reading your posts, Dr. Stoop!
I am definitely experiencing this dynamic of family systems in my own life, resulting in currently being separated from my husband until and unless things change between us. Unfortunately, his stated “openness” to couples counseling has not resulted in him actually showing up for any appointments yet, and I am at the point where I have refused to discuss things any further unless it is with a professional therapist.
The temptation is to wonder if it would have been better to not pursue the change I needed in my own life, but I know that it was necessary, so that is only a fleeting thought. Anyway, thank you for sharing this and I look forward to hearing more on the topic.
I’m very blessed by your part of the radio show, and I know I’ll be blessed by your blog as well.
Linds Posted on my only thought on the color sechme is Jesus loves His enemies? swell pics, bro very swell. (ps- you should feel special. your blog is pretty much the only one i ever check regularly.)
Bev & I are grateful for your faithful ministry to so many & now we look forward to your on-line messages. We will also be praying for you as you prepare these messages.
Dick & Bev
Dr. Stoop: I am so glad you have this site to inform us and provoke us to understand “change” by one person in a “dysfunctional family system” can result in forcing others to adjust to the change in that individual. That is the case in my family. They have adjusted their behavior and language out of respect for my husband and my life change after we became Christians. We did not isolate ourselves from them nor did we or do we compromise our belief’s and they have not asked us to. In fact many have themselves become Christians. In the 41 years of our marriage, 36 years as Christians, there have been up’s and down’s, but knowing the LORD is in control makes change easier and the results are lasting. linda kay
What a blessing you and your sweet wife are, Dr. Stoop! I am loving your blog notes and look forward to all that comes…. My husband and I enjoyed learning from you, both, and talking with you during last April’s New Life Marriage Weekend in San Jose (…I shared with you how you remind me of my dear uncle–the two of you were both affiliated with Fuller Theological Seminary, I think at the same time, possibly!). Thank you for sharing your wisdom and love for our Lord–you are truly a special creation and gift to us all! (Psalm 139) May we all have the continued courage to deepen our understanding of ourselves in Christ; to be all that Christ created us to be for Him!
Greetings and salutations, Dr. David Stoop! I read of how dynamics are affected–and effected–by alterations in the family unit years ago in The Atlantic Quarterly. I never forgot that premise and it has served me well as a foundation for many of the other principles espoused by such wonderful therapists as yourself.
Where in Hawaii would be the ideal place to spend a quiet, harmonious few months or years being of service? You’re the best! Love listening to your sage advice. Your personal anecdotes and your loving allusions to marriage and family are a wonderful example of ideal–albeit much worked-on dynamics.
God bless.
Eva R. Marienchild
Blog: http://godsloveworks.posterous.com
Try the UWAM base in Kona, on the Big Island.
Pingback: How Does Your Family Work? | Dr. David Stoop