Who’s Needy, Who’s Not?

Who’s Needy, Who’s Not?

The truth is, we all, no matter our attachment style, experience our own neediness at times.  It’s all in how we express that neediness.  It also has a lot to do with the response of the one we expect to understand and care about our needs.  As we’ve said, women aren’t really more needy than men–they just typically are more willing to share their needs than men.

But we have been looking at attachment styles as a way to understand why expressing our neediness is often seen as a negative.  A husband and wife who are both “securely” attached are probably the best example of two people who can safely express their neediness to each other and have it seen as a positive.  But look at a marriage of one “securely” attached person and one “avoidently: attached person.  Regardless of how healthy the securely attached person is, their spouse will tend to see the expression of needs as a negative.  After all, they don’t have needs, so why should you have needs?

The attachment style that would be most verbal about his or her needs would be the “anxiously” attached person.  To them, expressing your needs to the other person is a given.  They grew up experiencing a parent expressing his or her neediness and that became the norm for them.  The “fearfully” attached person probably shows their neediness more than they are able or willing to express it verbally.  Whatever your attachment style, your marriage relationship can be improved by understanding where the problems lie in regards to expressing needs and meeting them.

What’s interesting is that prior to marriage, we want to know what the other person’s needs are so we can meet those needs.  But somewhere along the way, it begins to feel like too much and we go negative.

What can we do to change the situation?  To begin, think back to the time of your courtship.  What was your attitude then when your future spouse expressed his or her  needs.  Try to recapture that openness you probably had then to meeting the other person’s needs.  Don’t make neediness a negative, regardless of how you feel.

It is really a complement that your spouse can express his or her needs to you.

Second, look at and identify some of your own needs.  Where are your own needs not being met?  What makes it hard for you to express your needs to your spouse?  Is it your own sense of emptiness?  Is it because it’s hard to allow someone else to take care of you?  Figure yourself out.  And third, pay attention to your spouse’s expression of needs.  Ask about their day.  Be intentional about finding a need each day and filling it joyfully.

Question:  What makes it hard for you to express you needs?  Or what makes it hard for you to hear your spouse express his or her needs?

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One Response to Who’s Needy, Who’s Not?

  1. Linda Seelhorst says:

    Dave, this is so interesting…this attachment theory. Through listening to you and the rest on NewLife Live, and reading How We Love, I realize my own problems as a vacillator and an avoider husband….yikes I nailed all our problems from way back. Now our son is having marriage problems and see why.

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