When a Husband Isn’t Interested in Sex Anymore
I was asked this question a couple of weeks ago by two subscribers to tv.newlife.com. Both had good marriages, but when their husbands hit the 50’s, they were no longer interested in having sex. Neither man seemed bothered by the change, but the wives were concerned. After all, a marriage typically is benefited by the couple having sex together. Happier marriages seem to have more frequent. According to one study, a marriage is happier even if they only think they are having more sex together.
Here’s how I answered their question: First, find out what your husband’s history has been with pornography. Studies show that pornography deadens the desire to have sex with a real person–their spouse.
If that isn’t part of the problem, then ask your husband to get a thorough physical exam that includes an evaluation of his testosterone levels. As a man ages, his testosterone levels gradually drop. And testosterone is the fuel that keeps the libido working. Less testosterone; less interest in sex.
If both of those don’t provide an answer, then sit down together and talk about your sexual relationship. Having sex together is a form of communication. Usually when a couple stop communicating with words, their communication through sex begins to decline as well. In this conversation, listen as well as talk. Our ability to listen is a lost art–take some time to rekindle the art of listening, and you may just rekindle your sexual relationship. If it sounds too intimidating to have that conversation on their own, they need to find a mature counselor and let them guide you through that conversation.
And finally, work at having fun together. My friend Michael Sytsma (intimatemarriage.org) says that keeping passion alive in a marriage is experienced when we as a couple continue to have fun together. Hd advises to not just jump into bed together-first try having some fun in other ways and see if it doesn’t lead to the bedroom.
Question: How’s the “fun quotient” in your marriage?
I appreciate your comments but what about when the wife has no interest in sex and thinks it is absolutely un-necessary. When asked how frequently sex should occur each week, her response is ZERO, NADA, NEVER. This certainly cannot be a healthy perspective or attitude for a wife to take. My libido is fine but I would really like my wife back.
What to do when the wife has decreased sex drive? Seems like this issue is more accepted and realized in our society. It has been a real struggle for us in our relationship and has made it difficult for me as the husband to abstain from pornography.
We have been to Christian counseling over and over and we seem to end up back in the same old rut. She is the thermostat for our sexual relationship and she has set it very low. Frustrated!
what if he isn’t willing to discuss anything. My husband just withdraws completely when i try to discuss anything about our marriage as a punishment he sleeps on the sofa. Even now we are on our honeymoon everything seemed well and he just grew aggravated after i asked what was wrong and if i could do anything he cut me off. When we returned to our hotel he sat in the chair and took the comforter off of the bed and began to nap. i sat up crying as usual. I honestly have grown tired of this treatment and if i didn’t make the vow under God i would divorce him i don’t see anything i used to love in him he is gone away i don’t understand and it hurts. what should i do?