Building Heathy Step Families

Remarriage is a challenge for everyone, but especially for the children.  For most children, their parent’s decision to remarry represents the loss of the dream that their biological parents will reunite.  Even children whose parents had a terrible relationship have the fantasy that someday everyone will be happy and be together.

Here are four guidelines for those who are in a step family, or contemplating one.  They are also good ideas for any family.

1.  Discuss your expectations with the family.  Establishing a step family takes time, and that requires patience.  The Brady Bunch family was on TV and that meant any problem could be resolved in 28 minutes.  But that’s not real life.  Every marriage requires the development of its own traditions and rituals.  When we are talking about a step family, there is not only the blending of the traditions each parent experienced as a child, they now have another set of traditions and rituals they bring from their previous marriage.  All that needs to be discussed, and the children should be part of that discussion.

2.  Be careful about what is said regarding the other biological parent.  There are two mistakes that are typically made.  One is to almost make the absent biological parent into the perfect person.  The other is to trash that parent as a no-good person.  The best way to deal with the absent biological parent is with careful honesty.  Don’t trash the person, but don’t be dishonest about them either.  If they let your kids down, acknowledge it, and share your child’s hurt and disappointment.  But no trashing!

3.  More than ever, the marriage relationship must be a priority.  Step families disintegrate when this isn’t the priority.  Soon it becomes a battle with the lines drawn by the children.  The odds are against success in the step family, based on the statistics regarding the casualties.  But the majority of remarriages end due to issues over the discipline of the children–even if the children are adults.  Couples in a remarriage already have extra distractions–ex-spouses, ex-in-laws, and financial issues.  But in every marriage, the marriage must always be the priority!

4.  Make God the centerpiece of your new home.  Jesus said we are to “seek first his kingdom (Matthew 6:33).  That’s true in every family, but especially in the step family.

You may have noticed I didn’t refer to the step family as being a “blended” family.  Ron Deal (www.smartstepfamilies.com/) taught me that you don’t put a family in a blender.  The though of that can be frightening.  Instead, refer to the process a step family goes through as integrating people within a new family.  You’re building an “integrated family,” and the members will be glad when you make the blender idea non-operative.

Question:   What do you think of the difference between a “blended family” and an “integrated family?”   Love to hear your comments.

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One Response to Building Heathy Step Families

  1. anil says:

    Step family situations are increasing common as couples choose to move forward with a second attempt towards a successful and long lasting relationship. we have to integrate Step Families Through Relationship Therapy

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